10 Ways to Tangibly Show Up for Your Friends Going Through Divorce

It's fun and easy to show up for weddings, baby showers, bachelorette parties, and birthdays, but "showing up" for someone's divorce is something that no one really teaches you how to do. Read on to learn about 10 tangible ways to be there for your people during this really complex time.

Divorce. It's one of those things you hope you never experience, yet it's the reality of 1 out of every 2 married couples these days. It is traumatic for everyone involved and if you were friends with both spouses you can feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Showing up for your friends doesn't mean you have to "pick a side" or come prepared to talk crap about the ex (unless it's what the moment requires, LOL!). Showing up means tangibly being there for a person beyond thoughts, prayers, and texts. While those are welcomed and needed, a divorcee is juggling a lot when trying to re-establish their life. Going beyond words to action is the most important thing a friend can do for their friend during a divorce. This Fall I've been working hard on keeping a gratitude focus, so I wanted to compile a list of the things that people have done along this journey that have really blessed me and added light to a season that was really dark at times. Let's get into the list!

1. Care Packages

In the early stages of going through divorce when I was in hermit mode and not quite ready to talk to people, many of my friends gave me sweet thoughtful gifts. One friend dropped off a cozy blanket and a book (Heart Talk by Cleo Wade), other friends sent gift cards to

restaurants, one got me a candle with a funny message and a "Perfectly Imperfect" shirt that spoke to my heart in that moment, some got together and got me a massage gift card, one got together with other friends and sent me a Venmo saying they were thinking of me and to "Use this is any way that is helpful, we are praying for you!". These gifts made my days brighter. They didn't come with strings attached, or requests for my time, or for all of the details, they just came. Even if you don't have a lot to give financially, little things like cozy socks and a journal can go a long way!

2. Slumber Party

When getting used to a custody split those first nights away from your children can be brutal, especially if they are really young. Having a friend (or friends) come over with snacks, drinks, and pajamas to watch a good movie made those nights go by faster than they would have if I were sitting there alone.

I'm literally LOL thinking about a late night run to Speedway in pajamas in the freezing cold just to get pickle chips and one of those big Pina Colada frozen drinks. We were laughing and hollering like two college kids, despite being real grown! Some weekends I needed my solitude, but others I needed a friend, and I'm thankful for the friends who never hesitated to come and spend a night with me or suggested for me to come. Even when I re-marry I believe that "Girls Night In" (or away!) from time to time should be a staple in every woman's life. Allow space and opportunity for your authentic self to show up, relax, and have some fun!

3. Plan A Fun Friend Date!

Activities like bowling, movies, and other events felt like "date night" things to me. Because I had been "coupled" for so long it took me a while to really see the value in doing activities like these with friends. The first thing I did on a friend date was go to Painting with a Twist

and I had such a fun time! Knowing that she had already bought the tickets made it hard to say no, and she knew painting was something I enjoyed doing. Even if your friend is a tad anti-social (like me!) planning something low-key and aligned to their interest will be a win. Especially if you can lock it in on a day that they might be dreading like court dates, custody hearings, birthdays, holidays, etc.. If you have been friends for a while you already know what your friend enjoys, use an app like Eventbrite to look up events that could be of interest near you. It could be the start of a new hobby for the both of you or for that friend to take and run with!

4. Listen Without Judgment

The divorce process is an absolute roller coaster of emotions. Unless you have been there you have no idea just how hard it is. Your friend is dealing with deep grief, resentment, frustration, hope, joy, happiness, sadness, anger, rejection, shame, loneliness, and so much more all at the same time. Showing up and just listening over a cup of cocoa or coffee is one of the greatest gifts you can offer a friend going through this. You won't have all of the answers, you'll struggle to find the right words, but it won't matter because more than anything having someone that they trust to talk to is what they need. Unless they explicitly ask for it, now is not the time to give advice on what they should do and how they should do it. Just listen. In moments of anger, I had friends who let me say exactly what I felt, expletives and all (without clutching their pearls) and it offered me the kind of relief that the sanitized "how is everything going" conversations would never provide. In moments of sadness, I had friends that just nodded and listened until I eventually laid my head on their shoulder and just cried. In moments of excitement and figuring out dating again I had friends that listened to my anxious questions and thoughts and provided calm to my heart. Those deposits into my heart and the new mindset I was building will never be forgotten. Never underestimate the power of listening intently and without judgment.

5. Help with Cleaning + Organizing Around the House

Not long after letting my friends and family in on what was going on I had a friend ask if there was anything they could help me with around the house in terms of cleaning and organizing. She came over one Sunday afternoon and helped me go through my boys' toy

boxes and closets and organize a big haul to Goodwill. For the friend it was one afternoon of her time, but for me in a time where so much felt out of place, I breathed a big sigh of relief and accomplishment seeing my son's room clean and organized. It's hard to understand unless you've been there but during divorce there are a ton of moving pieces (and furniture!) that have to be sorted out. If your friend is the spouse that is keeping the house it will take time, work, and money to make that house feel like their home again. If your friend is the one that is going to have to start fresh in a new space help them by offering to help them move their things, or hosting a housewarming. It's not about how much you have financially it's about the time!

6. Pinterest Boards + Furniture Shopping!

During the divorce I decided I wanted a fresh start in my bedroom. I happen to have a friend who is an AMAZING decorator and home organizer. (When she finally starts her business I will come back and link it here :)). She created a shared Pinterest board for us to pin ideas for what I wanted the room to look like. Creating that board with those ideas felt like a much needed spark of hope when it was hard for me to picture the new reality that was ahead of me.

When the time came that she felt she had all of the intel needed, she came over and we went shopping together. We spent 3 or 4 different days at furniture stores, World Market, At Home, Target, etc. pulling together the bedroom of my dreams and by the time it was over my bedroom became a sanctuary and not a space to avoid. To this day my bedroom is where I do my best thinking and processing, I'm writing this from my cozy chair as we speak! Even if your divorcing friend doesn't have the financial means to do it all at once, just starting the Pinterest board and helping them visualize places and spaces that they want to improve on with your help will be well worth the time.

7. Cook Them Dinner!

This one is for those of y'all who can really cook. Now is not the time to be experimenting with cooking for the first time, they are already going through enough, don't add having to lie to you to the list! I have a friend that can cook cook, and takes joy in doing it for others. We are both foodies and enjoy going to good restaurants, our repeat go-to has been this place with an amazing "burger salad".

We both were cutting back on the carbs once and tried it and the rest was history! One day she and I went hiking and she suggested making the "burger salad" I loved so much for dinner. After the hike we picked up groceries, and my friend was getting ALL the good stuff I just knew it was going to be amazing. That evening I went to her house and when I tell y'all my friend made the "burger salad" better than the people who make the real "burger salad" I mean it!!! Not only was it delicious but she set up her table with all of the beautiful toppings and glasses and place settings that made the moment feel special. We spent the evening stuffing ourselves (totally negating that earlier hike) and watching movies, it will forever be seared in my memory as one of the best friend dates ever!

8. Volunteer to Babysit!

Going from a two-parent household to a single parent household is no joke. No matter how much a single parent looks like they have it all together, they need help. If there are multiple kids there is always something that needs to be done, someone that needs to be taken somewhere, somebody that has an appointment, someone that needs something for a project, the list goes on. It is HARD and more likely than not that mom's won't ask people for help with taking care of their children. There is no shortage of people saying "let me know if you need anything"to a mom going through a divorce, I can assure you that for parents it's help with their children to allow them predictable moments of self care, and to get things done without the crew in tow. Instead of waiting for them to ask, volunteer an evening or an afternoon of your time to help out with the kids. If the mom is anything like me there is a short list of people that they trust to ask to watch over their children. If you are on that list, think about a cadence that would allow your friend some well deserved self-care, especially if your friend is the custodial parent 100% of the time. Babysitters are expensive and just not the same as people that your children love and trust. Step in and help out it will make a big difference in their week!

9. Take Them "Out"!

When re-entering the world as a single person, I had no idea just how many written and unwritten rules their were to getting out and dating. The first few times I went out with a single girlfriend to a restaurant, rooftop, party, or bar I felt like a complete tourist. I am so thankful to all of my single friends who just looked at me and laughed when asking questions like, "So...what are we supposed to do now?!" Taking your friend for a night out wearing cute clothes and getting all dolled up can be a much needed boost during a dreary season. Take pictures of her in her cute outfit and tell her how great she looks! Get a group of their friends together for a carefree night of fun. My 35th birthday party last year was a blast. Dancing the night away with my friends, carefree from all of the heavy things going on in my world at that moment was the best thing I could have asked for.

10. Send Them Encouraging Podcasts, Books, Journals + Texts!

There was a time where I listened to nothing but sermons and spiritual podcasts because I needed the positive deposits as often as I could get them. Depending on the circumstances of the divorce, certain movies, tv shows, or things on social media can be extremely triggering. It is important to make sure your friends are receiving positive words that can help them make sense of what they are going through.

If your friend is a reader find books that they can read in their quiet time, if they are a writer get them a journal with a beautiful cover and inspiring prompts. If they prefer to listen for inspiration send over a great podcast or sermon with a joy focus to brighten their dayl See below for a list of my faves:

Speakers/Preachers:

Steven Furtick

Dharius Daniels

Robert Madu

Dr. Anita Phillips

Dr. Thema Bryant

Eric Thomas

Books:

Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud

After the Rain by Alex Elle

Homecoming by Dr. Thema Bryant

Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny

Keep Moving by Katie Smith

Heart Talk by Cleo Wade

The Garden Within by Dr. Anita Phillips

The Bible!

There you have it! 10 real and tangible ways to move beyond words in showing up for your friends going through divorce. Divorce is an extremely painful process and it's easy to feel helpless as a friend, but trust and believe that doing even just one thing from the list above will leave an imprint on your friend's heart for years to come.

Until next time,

Tiffany