Recovery Reflections: 5 Things A Concussion Taught Me about Healing the Heart.

Dear Gentlest Friends and Readers,

I've been concussed! In late May, the unfortunate incident of being struck by another driver at a stop sign resulted in a concussion that threw my summer into a season of unexpected learning, growing, and healing. It wouldn't be me if I didn't package that up for y'all to hopefully give you some perspective to drive your healing journey forward! Read on for 5 lessons I've learned through the concussion recovery protocol.

1. Acknowledge the pain.

The first evening I got home after the concussion I had a terrible headache and could barely see at one point. While my loved ones were set on convincing me to go to the emergency room that night I was just exhausted and told them that I just needed to rest and that I would be fine. When I woke up the next morning I felt like and looked like I had been hit by a truck and had the worst headache of my life. After finally being convinced by my mom to take my blood pressure, I was shocked at the numbers that popped up on my home cuff. It was enough to finally make me give in and go to the emergency room, where I was diagnosed with a concussion with accompanying high blood pressure. Hearing the doctor’s words forced me to actually acknowledge how bad I felt instead of trying to “thug it out” like I’d become accustomed to doing in so many areas of my life. The first step on my concussion road to recovery was acknowledging the pain that I was in. 

HEART LESSON 1. I always half-jokingly tell my friends “divorce made a gangster out of me”. It pushed me into hyper-independence in a way that I’m still working through to this day. When you’ve been through a traumatic experience like betrayal and divorce there is an armor that forms around your mind and heart. Depending on the level of pain that you’ve survived, that could range from just a small chest plate and helmet, to the heavy iron armor that the knights wore in ancient times. I was definitely on the latter side of that range. While that armor comes into place to protect your heart from all the chaos and hurt that comes with trauma, if you aren’t careful you’ll become numb to your own needs inside of it. Carrying armor on your body and heart is heavy. To truly feel you have to begin to take it off and acknowledge the spots that are tender, and the wounds that are still open, so that you can allow it access to the resources needed to heal it. Acknowledging that pain exists along with being honest on its impact on you is the first step to heart healing. 

2. Limit exposure to light. 

In the first week following the concussion the doctor was very clear that in order for my brain to heal I would need to limit exposure to light. I learned that lights and the eyestrain associated with looking at them can make concussions symptoms worse, especially headaches. I was on strict no light orders for the first 4-5 days. This meant no phone screens, no TV, no lamps, and very little natural light each day. Talk about disconnection! I felt like I was on a different planet, just me, my bed and the darkness.

HEART LESSON 2. Healing requires intentional moments of disconnection. As much as we would love for the words and actions of others to have the power to heal us completely, healing is personal. When you are processing through pain or grief it’s easy to want to build your coalition through putting your vulnerable thoughts and feelings in front of others for their empathy and support before you’ve fully sat with them yourself. Limiting who has access to the full range of your experience is crucial to finding peace and healing. Whether you realize it or not, every retelling of a painful story has the power to reinjure. Allowing your heart to heal means limiting your exposure to the light of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions. Everyone that is interested in knowing the whole story doesn’t need to know it. 

3. Let your brain rest.

Once I disconnected from all the devices (... and civilization) it was just me and my thoughts. If you are always going like I am there isn’t a whole lot of time in the day-to-day to sit still and really process everything going on inside and around you. Well nothing like the thought of being in the dark for a week to make you tap into every overthinking instinct possible. On the first day, all of the what-ifs and what-nows from the last 3 to 4 years of my life started going through my brain in overdrive. If it were possible for literal smoke to come from the top of my head there would have been!

My blood pressure continued to be really high and I felt awful.  By the second day, I knew something had to change, my brain was tired of thinking and I still had what felt like a hundred days in front of me. My mom and a good friend reminded me through conversation that “this is just a season”. They reminded me that I wouldn’t have to sit still in the dark forever, or suffer with headaches and high blood pressure forever, and that at some point in the near future I’d be back to all the familiar busyness of my life so for now just “enjoy the rest”. A simple sentiment but one that began to really take root. Over the next few days I slept for 14-16 hours at a time, with my mom jokingly checking every now and again to make sure I was still breathing. I eventually began incorporating listening to sermons and music into my day, and over time felt my mind become lighter and my healing move into full swing. 

HEART LESSON 3. I’m convinced that rest is the most underrated and underutilized tool in our healing first aid kits. There are not enough self care days and trips in the world to come close to the peace that good rest will give you. Rest is connected to presence. You have to stop trying to solve for what happens next and commit to living in the present. Rest resets and allows you to think and deal with life from the best parts of yourself. The only thing you get in return for overthinking and anxiety is wasted time. It doesn’t actually solve any of the problems awaiting you in the future, while robbing you of the joy of today. In a sermon recently I heard a pastor say “Anxiety is just faith used in the wrong direction”. That’s a bar. Let your heart rest in God and have faith that he will make all things right in his time. 

4. Enlist a support system. 

In the days following the concussion my family came in strong with love and support! My dad with all of the encouraging words and check ins, and my mom coming with her luggage in tow to step in with the kids. While it has always been natural for me to allow my parents into the struggles that I face, I let very few people know initially the extent to which I was suffering with physical pain and mental frustration. The accident happened on the eve of the last day of school about a mile from my office. Despite navigating through many challenges on the home front, I’d successfully made it to the end of my first school year in a new leadership role and before I could even sit in the victory of that I was thrown into another trial that I would have to overcome. I was pissed. I was frustrated with God. I felt like I was trying my best to do everything right and I was still dealing with so much. It didn’t feel fair but there I was, drawing from the lessons that surviving so many things before this had taught me. It was time to tell the people around me what was going on. I had a coworker tell the rest of my team about the accident and concussion, I told my girlfriends about how tired and frustrated I was with the fact that I was going through something else after surviving all the chaos of the Spring. They listened, they cared, and they didn’t attempt to fix anything, they just showed up. Coworkers and friends sent flowers, treats, and gift cards and checked in frequently. Allowing people that I cared about to know what was going on gave them an opportunity to show up in ways that pushed my recovery forward, while reminding me of just how much I had to be grateful for.

HEART LESSON 4. Let people take care of you! If you are a giver or even a steady, caring presence in the life of the people around you, they are looking for ways to give back to you - accept the help. In the grand ecosystem of life there will always be seasons where somebody is up, while somebody else is down. God made it this way intentionally, we are meant to bear each other’s burdens from time to time.  Be authentic and transparent about your struggles with the people who have earned your trust. They will meet you in your pain in some pretty amazing ways, I’m a witness! 

5. Regaining your equilibrium will take time.

I can’t tell you how many times I heard the words, “Remember you’ve just suffered a serious injury”, in the weeks following the accident. I’d done my resting, I’d followed the doctors orders, I’d let people help me, I’d done the things. I was good. Like the warrior I had prided myself on being the last 2 years, of course the moment I felt a little better I thought I could take on the world. Wrong. I pushed it too far too fast trying to jump back into work and my normal cadence and my blood pressure spiked again and I found myself at what felt like square one all over again. It took time for me to learn the right pace for where I was in my concussion healing journey, but the most important thing was understanding that I couldn’t just pick up where I left off. My balance was off, my vision was off, my processing time was slower, and I hated it. This was one of the few things in my life that I didn’t have control over how long it would take to get to the finish line. That I couldn’t make myself better or do anything about it, that the only thing that would heal my brain was time. I learned with time that I was not back at square one, that even when I did too much, I was stronger than I was when I started, and that not all progress was lost when I made a mistake.   

HEART LESSON 5. “Remember you’ve just suffered a serious injury”. Recovering from trauma is not something to take lightly. Whether it was heartbreak, divorce, or death, the grief of loss will knock you on your behind from time to time and that’s normal. Some days you’ll wake up and feel like you can take on the world, and some weeks something will trigger you in a way that will take days to recover from. Regaining your equilibrium will take time. For many of us it’s learning to trust yourself and your instincts again. For others it’s learning how to stop bracing for the worse. For others it’s learning to love again without fear. Time really does bring about healing and transformation.

Well there you have it - 5 heart healing lessons from the other side of the concussion. If having my brain rattled around helps you along the healing journey in the way it has helped me, I’ll know it was not all in vain 🙂. 

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The healing journey continues!

-Tiffany