The 7 Mental Shifts REQUIRED to Survive Divorce.
- Tiffany Russ
- Oct 14, 2022
- 8 min read
It will take active work, focus, and determination but there can be joy on the other side of divorce! Read on for the shifts REQUIRED (and some helpful resources) to make it to the other side.
When you made the decision to get married you more than likely did so with the mindset of "til death do you part", so what do you do when you arrive at a destination that you never planned for? When all that you have known and built your life upon disintegrates?
After you go through the horribly painful grief cycle and come to a place of acceptance, my hope is that you begin to see that there can be life (and life more abundantly!) after divorce.
This season like so many others requires a reset of your heart, mind, will, and emotions. Let's get concrete and dive into the seven shifts needed to drive into the next season of your life!
1. Adapt a Beginner Mindset
You are a single person again. Let me say that again. You are a SINGLE PERSON again. For some of you for the first time in decades. For years you have functioned with another person in the choices that you've made, places you've gone, and in your experiences. As you establish your life post-divorce it is important to take the time to get to know yourself deeply. Take the time to ask yourself some vital questions about who you are and what you want next. Here are a few to get you started:
What do I enjoy doing when I have free time?
How do I want my home to feel?
What are my self-care non-negotiables?
What kind of people do I want to be surrounded by in this season?
What do I want from my next relationship?
When you take the time to answer these questions you are able to build up internal confidence in yourself and in the direction you are heading in. Here are some recommended texts that helped me along the way:
Living & Loving After Betrayal - Steven Stosny
Homecoming - Dr. Thema Bryant
After the Rain - Alex Elle
Necessary Endings - Henry Cloud
Crazy Faith - Michael Todd
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself - Dr. Nedra Tawwab
Relationship Goals - Michael Todd
Doing the work of learning yourself must be done before deciding to venture into a relationship with someone else. If you were like me and got married young, it will feel like starting over with what you know about yourself in so many ways. However, as you learn more about yourself you become even more confident in what you have to offer the world and eventually someone who is worthy of your love and gifts.
*A word of warning for those of y'all (us) that got married straight out of college, the dating world has shifted tremendously since we were sending texts on Razor phones and going on college student struggle dates! In a world of dating apps, relationship "gurus" (that are single - LOL), and what feels like a complex maze of do's and don'ts, it is essential to take it one step at a time at a pace that feels right for you.
2. Financial Reset
As you adapt to functioning independently you have to get a solid grasp on your finances. In the first few months of getting everything sorted out, I was shocked at how much I didn't know about my own household bills. In most marriages one person generally functions as the "money manager" and in my case, it was not me!
After swearing to myself to never be this clueless about my own money ever again... I used the whiteboard in my kitchen to write down every single bill along with due dates. This was essential to making sure I had everything scoped out appropriately for what I needed for the kids and I each month. I'm a techie so I eventually shifted to an app to help me keep things sorted out.
I highly recommend Mint (www.mint.intuit.com) to look at your spending over time and to work on payoffs, and Credit Karma (www.creditkarma.com) to keep track of your credit score and impacting factors. It takes a little while to find a groove but once you do it's another thing that you'll be proud of yourself for conquering!
3. Spiritual Reset
Getting centered spiritually was the only way I could find joy in some of the darkest parts of this journey. For me, this meant spending time in prayer, reading the bible and other transformational texts, and finding the right spiritual community for the next phase of my life.
I want to normalize it being okay to decide that the church that you attended as a married couple may not be the place for you as you reset your life. It took me a while to begin visiting physical church services so I spent lots of time getting my spiritual fix online and through podcasts.
Here are a few of my favorite online + YouTube pastors/encouragers:
Dharius Daniels
Michael Todd
Steven Furtick
Pastor Mike Jr.
Eric Thomas
Tony Evans
These anchor verses were like ointment for all of the horrible wounds that I was recovering from and my hope is that they give you the same sense of peace and encouragement:
10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
31 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
4. Friend Reset
Friends - how many of us have them?! Resetting friendships during this season is essential to your growth and healing. This one is a two-parter. You must both reset boundaries for joint friendships and personal friendships.
Joint Friendships: As a married couple it is likely that you made a lot of joint friends (couples or individuals that you and your former spouse spent time with). As you move forward independently it is important that if you choose to continue friendships with those couples/friends you set boundaries with them about what you are and are not willing to talk about, especially in relation to your ex. For some this tactic works, for others, it is best to leave the friendship behind. If this is the route you decide to take it is important to share explicitly that you are doing so and that it is not personal. The best decision is always the one that allows you to walk forward in peace and healing.
Personal Friendships: When married generally most of your friends are also married just as a by-product of how and where you spend the majority of your time. As a single person how you spend your free time shifts and as you get out and about it is likely that you want to do so with single friends with mutual interests. When you become clearer on how you like to spend your time you might find that some friendships don't align with this new season of life and that's ok! As with everything else be honest and transparent about what you feel in an effort to find the balance that works for you.
Being divorced doesn't mean that you should completely change up your friend group - use wisdom to determine the relationships that feel life-giving and the ones that are a constant drain or an impediment to your healing.
5. Capacity Reset
When you've spent a lifetime (or a large portion of one) wearing the Superwoman (or man) cape of doing it all it can take time to adjust to the new roles and responsibilities associated with the transition from functioning as a partnership to an independent contributor. For those of us who are parenting little ones, this is especially important to grasp. If you do not take a critical look at your bandwidth you can mistakenly fall into overwhelm and burnout, which will ultimately undermine the things you care most about. Invest in a personal calendar or app to keep track of everything and learn to be ok with making decisions closer to the event instead of planning months in advance. You will experience energy ebbs and flows that will impact your capacity.
At the beginning of each month review your calendar and plug in your must-do events along with a few crucial self-care moments to look forward to. Learn the art of saying "Let me check my schedule and get back to you" instead of the default "yes" that you feel resentful about when it's time to actually do it!
6. Physical Reset
After surviving the horrible ups and downs of the divorce process it is not uncommon to look like you just survived an actual battle. For some this can look like weight gain for others this can look like extreme weight loss.
Unless you have actually been through this process you have NO IDEA how hard it is to find the strength and energy to invest in yourself again. Oh but when you do - I liken it to a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, shedding all the heaviness and darkness of the previous season. Getting back in the gym or to some form of exercise will help you to build your inner confidence back. When you look good you feel good!
If you are resetting your whole life anyway why not try that new hairstyle you've been wanting to try for all these years? Why not buy that colorful mini-dress? Why not take that heels dancing class? As you take the time to try on new things you will eventually find so much that brings you joy and hope for what's ahead. Making the decision to loc my hair was one of those decisions for me and as I look at myself in the mirror today I feel more me than I ever have!
7. Relentless Pursuit of Healing
GO TO THERAPY.
To survive the life-changing aftermath of divorce you must be relentless in pursuit of healing, change, and growth. This means prioritizing healing activities more than prioritizing material things. I would argue that investing in healing mentally and emotionally through therapy is just as important to your health as the groceries you buy to sustain your physical health. Therapy is not a right reserved only for the wealthy. Many employers have counseling benefits within your medical insurance. Take the time to go to your HR team to ask questions about what is available to you. Here are a few resources to get you started:
This site will help you find counselors by the insurance they accept: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists (To start type in your state and you can use the filter at the top of the page to search by Insurance Providers.)
These sites were created specifically for black men and women looking for black therapists: https://therapyforblackgirls.com/
DivorceCare is a free 13-week support group for people going through divorce that is hosted in churches all across the country. Find a local option here: https://www.divorcecare.org/
Well, there you have it - 7 mental shifts that will help you along the journey back to you!
While it can feel really scary mid-air taking the leap of faith to choose peace, there can be something really beautiful on the other side if you do the work to get there.
You Can Do This!
Tiffany
Comments